sealed together forever

the past couple of weeks has been such an emotional rollar coaster. we lost our sweet baby girl Molly.

I had my blood taken about a month ago and it came back high for spina bifida. So we had to go to a high risk doctor to get everything checked out. Things still weren't adding up when we went to the doctor. She had fluid in her brain, my placenta was really messed up but her spine looked fine. So I had to get some of my amnionic fluid tested. The doctor told us there was something wrong for sure. At this point me and Nathan were so scared. Mostly just not knowing what was going on.

When we went back to get the test results we knew it wasn't good just from how everyone was looking at us. Then when she took us into her office instead of a patients room we really knew something was up. We were expecting to go in there and be told we were going to have a handicap child. What we heard instead turned our world upside down. Our baby had triploid disease which is not compatible with life. It was also the highest type of it to where if I held the baby in me much longer it could eventually take my life. I had to get induced in two days and she wouldn't make it through birth. This option had never ever even crossed our minds. We never thought we would lose her. I threw up for the first time my whole pregnancy that day.

I went into the hospital Monday at 7:00 AM and gave birth to her on Tuesday at 12:13 AM. When she came out they announced her as not alive. They gave her to Nathan first and right when they put her in his hand he felt the strongest thump in the back of his hand. He said, "She's alive. I just felt her heart beat." The nurses didn't believe him but then they came over and felt it as well. Molly had made it through birth and we were able to spend 45 minutes with her. She didn't move or her eyes never opened but we could see her heart beating through her chest. It was truly a miracle. All the doctors told us she would not make it through birth. We even filled out paper work before and had to redo it all to change it to a live birth.

After 45 minutes with her, the nurses came in to take her to get her changed and to get her foot prints. When they brought her back she was gone and you could feel it so strong. It was like right when she was taken from her mommy and daddy the Lord took her. We didn't realize how strong her spirit was until it was gone. It was now just a body and the feeling of the difference was indescribable.

It was a very emotional 3 hours. Nathan explained it best when he said we were "broken." Even though she was only 18 weeks she looked so perfect and beautiful to us. She had the bowman chicken legs, nathan's big toe, nathan's nose, and she had long fingers just like the both of us. It was so crazy to us how fast we fell in love with her and how much we missed her when we technically never met her. She was definitely daddy's little girl already. Nathan was so protective of her and wanted everything to be perfect for her all the way to how she was buried and the stone we picked. I was so grateful for Nathan because I was still in pain and a little out of it after she was born and Nathan made sure she still got tons of love.

Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing. I could have stayed in that hospital forever. Me and Nathan just sat and held her and cried. Then we had a prayer with her. Nathan said the most beautiful prayer and then it was time to hand her over.

We buried her two days later. She was buried with my Grandpa who died when my mom was 8. We wrapped her in one of my Grandma's white handkerchiefs, put a little bear in there my mom bought, and nathan wanted to put a picture of us in front of the temple so we could always be with her. We just felt the Lord with us so much during this whole ordeal and we felt so much peace. Knowing that we would be able to see her again helped us through this so much. She just needed to come down and gain a body and her mission was fulfilled. I am so grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge and that we are sealed together as a family forever. I can't imagine going through this with out the Gospel in my life. Every night we thank the Lord that we are sealed together and ask him to give Molly a hug for us and tell her how much we love her.

"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrow and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on the earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have a reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." --Joseph Smith

2nd trimester

i'm officially in the 2nd trimester! i am 14 weeks. gosh i could not be more happy. no more feeling sick anymore. i actually was able to deep clean the apartment for the first time in forever. it felt so good to feel up to doing things now. nathan has been so good and has been cleaning for me the whole time so i owe him.

this is my first "prego" picture. funny story. i woke up this morning, got ready to go to church, looked in the mirror and was like, "wow i'm not showing that much." well i should never have thought that. everyone was coming up to me at church telling me "your showing!" this is the first time people have actually said im showing. so me and nathan had a pretty good laugh about it.

end of summer party

last night two of our good friends invited us to their country club end of summer party. there was a free dinner buffet, a live band, a huge water slide to slide into the pool, and late night swimming. we had so much fun especially dancing to the live music! it was a perfect way to end the summer.

we had way too much fun on this slide. funny story- see where you climb up? well nathan was all the way at the top climbing up and completely slipped and fell all the way down into the pool.

 

retail therapy

what do you buy when you can't buy clothes because your pregnant but you need some retail therapy? make up. every time i go to mac i end up getting way too much. i am such a sucker for their makeup. thank you nathan for letting me go a little crazy in their store!

22 & 23

august is a big birthday month for us. nathan and my birthday's are both in August. we spoiled each other this year a little too much. its our last birthday's before we become parents so we had to go big. yesterday for my birthday i went and had a brunch with my sisters (nathan even tagged a long). Then we went out to eat to Hard Rock Cafe with friends and came home and watched a movie. Thank you to everyone who made our birthdays special this year!

update

the pregnancy is moving along...today we were able to go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat for the first time. it was so loud and clear and kind of unreal. we are halfway there to finding out the sex of the baby. we can hardly wait to find out!

so this has been our life for the past month it seems like:

i have been so nauseous for the past couple of weeks. it usually hits me mid-day to evening. so pretty much every night i just lay in bed and rest and nathan is so good and lays with me every night. i feel so bad for him because i have been so lame and boring. i can not wait for the first trimester to be over! thank you nathan for all your patience! 

miss my hub

okay so this is going to be a "pity me" post. me and nathan have never been apart since we have been married. he is out of town for work for three days this week and its the first time we have been a part and i do not like it at all. me and nathan always do everything together and are always together so this is def something different. i am counting the hours until he gets back home! i did it for two years so how hard can 3 days be?