Sunday, October 30, 2011

danger run

last night we went on a halloween haunted house scavenger hunt with our good friends hannah and alex. they give you riddles that you have to solve to find your way to two different haunted houses. we tried to use the riddles but halfway through we used the cheat sheets and went straight to the haunted houses. 

we had so much fun and the haunted houses were actually really scary and really good!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

3 weeks

today marks 3 weeks since we lost our molly. we decided to go visit her grave and nathan wanted to leave 3 flowers to represent the 3 week mark. while we were there it seemed like it was yesterday we were at the cemetery for her funeral. but at the same time it feels forever ago. such a surreal feeling.

we were so blessed to have everything paid for. a man we go to church with (and he knows my family from way back. he knew my mom and grandma when they got baptized) owns a funeral home. we didn't have to pay for one thing. he took care of everything; they picked her up from the hospital, dressed her, paid for the casket, set up a whole viewing room for her, and set up the whole funeral. it was such a blessing because being college students there is no way we could afford it.

we have been coping pretty well i would say. i look at pictures of her A LOT. i can't get over how cute she was. we definitely have our moments of sadness but i think those will come for the rest of our lives. i also feel so much joy thinking about her. i'm still so proud to call her my daughter and to talk about her.

we still don't have a stone for her. we are saving up for one. this is my grandpa's stone who she is buried with.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

hubers farm

yesterday was so pretty outside i really wanted to do something fun outdoors. we went to a place called hubers farm. there are so many fun things to do there. we went and picked a pumpkin, they have tons of farm-grown fruits and veggies, homemade bread and jam (we stocked up), carmel apples, homemade ice cream and so many other fun things. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

cold & rainy

rummikub, oranges, and hot chocolate. perfect wednesday for a cold and rainy night.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

saturday night date

with everything going on we have been laying low and not doing much. tonight we wanted to go out and do something fun for a date. there is a street next to our house where all the houses decorate for halloween.   tons of people come to look at them. the weather was perfect outside; i love kentucky in the fall.

after we walked around the neighborhood we walked to Heine Brothers Coffee and got some hot chocolate. nathan of course got a smoothie. 

it was so nice to get out and do something fun to get our minds off things.

being strong

"you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

this quote is just so true. you always go through life saying "wow i could never go through that." and you think you never will have to. when it does happen, your mind and body just adapt to the situation to cope with it. i have come to realize no matter how much time passes there will always be a hole in my heart. 

can't wait to hang this ornament on our christmas tree

Monday, October 10, 2011

sealed together forever

the past couple of weeks has been such an emotional rollar coaster. we lost our sweet baby girl Molly.

I had my blood taken about a month ago and it came back high for spina bifida. So we had to go to a high risk doctor to get everything checked out. Things still weren't adding up when we went to the doctor. She had fluid in her brain, my placenta was really messed up but her spine looked fine. So I had to get some of my amnionic fluid tested. The doctor told us there was something wrong for sure. At this point me and Nathan were so scared. Mostly just not knowing what was going on.

When we went back to get the test results we knew it wasn't good just from how everyone was looking at us. Then when she took us into her office instead of a patients room we really knew something was up. We were expecting to go in there and be told we were going to have a handicap child. What we heard instead turned our world upside down. Our baby had triploid disease which is not compatible with life. It was also the highest type of it to where if I held the baby in me much longer it could eventually take my life. I had to get induced in two days and she wouldn't make it through birth. This option had never ever even crossed our minds. We never thought we would lose her. I threw up for the first time my whole pregnancy that day.

I went into the hospital Monday at 7:00 AM and gave birth to her on Tuesday at 12:13 AM. When she came out they announced her as not alive. They gave her to Nathan first and right when they put her in his hand he felt the strongest thump in the back of his hand. He said, "She's alive. I just felt her heart beat." The nurses didn't believe him but then they came over and felt it as well. Molly had made it through birth and we were able to spend 45 minutes with her. She didn't move or her eyes never opened but we could see her heart beating through her chest. It was truly a miracle. All the doctors told us she would not make it through birth. We even filled out paper work before and had to redo it all to change it to a live birth.

After 45 minutes with her, the nurses came in to take her to get her changed and to get her foot prints. When they brought her back she was gone and you could feel it so strong. It was like right when she was taken from her mommy and daddy the Lord took her. We didn't realize how strong her spirit was until it was gone. It was now just a body and the feeling of the difference was indescribable.

It was a very emotional 3 hours. Nathan explained it best when he said we were "broken." Even though she was only 18 weeks she looked so perfect and beautiful to us. She had the bowman chicken legs, nathan's big toe, nathan's nose, and she had long fingers just like the both of us. It was so crazy to us how fast we fell in love with her and how much we missed her when we technically never met her. She was definitely daddy's little girl already. Nathan was so protective of her and wanted everything to be perfect for her all the way to how she was buried and the stone we picked. I was so grateful for Nathan because I was still in pain and a little out of it after she was born and Nathan made sure she still got tons of love.

Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing. I could have stayed in that hospital forever. Me and Nathan just sat and held her and cried. Then we had a prayer with her. Nathan said the most beautiful prayer and then it was time to hand her over.

We buried her two days later. She was buried with my Grandpa who died when my mom was 8. We wrapped her in one of my Grandma's white handkerchiefs, put a little bear in there my mom bought, and nathan wanted to put a picture of us in front of the temple so we could always be with her. We just felt the Lord with us so much during this whole ordeal and we felt so much peace. Knowing that we would be able to see her again helped us through this so much. She just needed to come down and gain a body and her mission was fulfilled. I am so grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge and that we are sealed together as a family forever. I can't imagine going through this with out the Gospel in my life. Every night we thank the Lord that we are sealed together and ask him to give Molly a hug for us and tell her how much we love her.

"The Lord takes many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrow and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on the earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have a reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." --Joseph Smith